i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
there's paper in my vomit.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
