the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
