this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
