I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
