either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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