Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
