Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
