Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
