if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
my liver is dry heaving
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
