Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
