Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize