somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
