the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
