It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
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I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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