It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
