put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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