he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
