My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
