My sheets look like a crime scene.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
