So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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