why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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