I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
