When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
