i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
