I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
