I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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