I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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