If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
