How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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