I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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