Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
