I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
