Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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