So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
