Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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