weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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