Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
