Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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