i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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