I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
