True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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