Ambien. No doubt about it.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
