i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
