I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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