WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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