my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
