the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize