Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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