Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
