gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
