My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
