He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I supernannyed him into submission
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
