I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
