I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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