I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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