got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
