Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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