this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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