I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
