and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
