The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize