watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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