Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
