Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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