No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
